Waiting

I'm bored, therefore I am posting despite the fact that I have nothing new to report (what an incentive for you to keep on reading!). 

Today is ten days past ovulation, so I need to make it through tomorrow and Monday to get a twelve-day luteal phase. Maybe I could even get to thirteen! I don't have any PMS symptoms as of yet, other than some slight indigestion which sometimes is a sign for me. Oh, and how could I forget about this one - I've been weepy for a couple days now. By weepy I mean that I feel like crying while watching commercials or shows, mainly at things that aren't sad. That's usually a tell-tale sign. I don't actually cry, but I start to tear up. It's got to be hormonal because it definitely doesn't happen the rest of the month.

No leg sensation yet, though, which is my surest sign of impending doom. And my temp was back up this morning to 98.4 (my temp dipped two days ago and then yesterday I got up too early to take it). 

I am anxious, though - anxious to find out whether my luteal phase will last as long as it should, anxious that each time I go into the bathroom it will be the time I get the inevitable news, anxious to know whether I'll take it well or not. I hate counting down the days and hoping and praying my body can make it to Tuesday, so I don't take a big step backwards. Then I resent the fact that I'm left just hoping my luteal phase can be a stinking twelve days, rather than hoping I'm pregnant like the rest of the fertile world.

I've also caught myself viewing the world from an it's-not-fair perspective lately. After keeping my level of hope and confidence up pretty high for a couple of weeks, I was looking around at the busy mall yesterday and thinking, "Every single one of these people are here because their moms got pregnant, because their bodies were able to do something extremely basic that mine cannot." It boggles my mind sometimes to think that if all women were made like me, the human race would be extinct. It's not only babies who should remind me of my inability to procreate, but all people! That's just great.

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not depressed, and I haven't lost hope. I know, that's probably kind of confusing. I just find that these thoughts start to creep in at times. They aren't taking over, though. I'm still basically hopeful.

Thanks so much for praying for my mom, by the way. I knew it was bad last night when she asked me for prayers. She always asks me to pray for people she knows who are sick, but I honestly don't think she's ever asked for prayers for anything for herself. She was in rough shape still this morning, but sounded a lot better this afternoon. But then my sister called me, concerned that she needs to take it a lot easier than she is. She really got me worried that this c-dif.f problem could get really bad, which scared the heck out of me. Apparently, c-di.ff can come back again and again (this is my mom's second bout so far) and sometimes last for years, God forbid. We just want her to relax even after she starts to improve. We want her to take a few days off of work, even if she thinks she is better.

She's a nurse, so she knows how it works, but somehow all that goes out the window when she's the patient.

So we are going to stay vigilant and force her to take time off when she should, or not go somewhere she had planned, or not get all busy due to Christmas preparations. That would be silly. If you get a chance, please pray that she can be free and clear of this horrible thing for good.