I'm trying to get better about posting. I have a free minute, and I'm already sitting at the computer, so I might as well use it.
So it's Lent. I have been wanting to write about this for a while, because it's been an interesting one so far. Well, 'interesting' might make it sound eventful. Actually, it's been uneventful, as in I haven't really observed it. I'm not sure why, but I have a few ideas.
First, I was just coming off of Clara-shock when Lent began. I was/am the happiest I've ever been, and then was supposed to just shift gears and be somber? I know, that's not probably the best explanation of what we're called to do for Lent, but it sure feels like it sometimes. Maybe that's my problem. I view Lent as a time of no-fun, of giving up, of not celebrating, instead of how I should view - a time to draw nearer to God.
That leads me to my second problem - I am definitely going through a dry spell when it comes to my spiritual life.
While I try to thank God every day for giving us Clara, my prayer life has otherwise lagged. I've been trying to say a Rosary every day for Lent, but I usually put it off until I'm laying in bed and then I get through one, maybe two, decades. This morning, I remembered during Clara's 5 a.m. feeding that I hadn't said it yesterday, so I got through a few prayers before choosing instead to watch t.v.
As for what I've given up, well, I haven't really given up anything. Actually, let me rephrase that - I haven't given up anything at all. I know, that's terrible. And fasting on Fridays is an embarrassment. I have abstained from meat, but that's where it ends. I have had seconds a couple times and my 'two small meals/snacks' during the day haven't been too small.
Mass is hard for me too. My mind wanders and I have a hard time connecting with anything. I am way overdue for going to confession and find reasons not to go each week.
So why is this happening? You'd think I'd be completely dedicated this year, after receiving the biggest blessing of my life, what I prayed for without ceasing for so, so long.
Here's what I think it is - after working non-stop on my faith for more than five years (due to sheer necessity, thanks to infertility), I got Clara and took a big, deep sigh of relief. I relaxed. Took some time off. I got lazy.
It's like working really hard towards a goal and when the goal is reached, you take a little break because you deserve it, and then it's hard to get back into the swing of things. On one hand, can I blame myself? It was hard work the past several years. Every single day was a struggle with my faith - questioning things, wrestling with theology, understanding suffering and the greater meaning, coming to terms with it, trying to come to terms with it again and again. We should get a graduate degree in suffering for going through this!
Not to mention, I've been busy. And sleep-deprived.
And how about the fact that my faith life has always thrived during the hard times and dried up when things are good? I am all about God when I need Him, but when things are comfortable, I'm more apt to go it alone.
Those all may be reasons for this current state I find myself in, but they're not reasons for it to continue. I need to dedicate time to prayer, even telling God that I need help. Maybe I should start with praising Him whenever I get a free second for the miracle He has brought into my life. Oh, and I really should pick something to give up for Lent. Better late than never.
This might be on my mind today because it's a beautiful day and maybe, subconsciously, I'm in the mood to do some spiritual spring cleaning. With the weather so nice today, the whole family took a walk, and Clara's been asleep ever since. I'm going to check on her now, but first I'll leave you with a shot of her first walk that went further than just our block. I'm going to try to make it a daily routine:
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Spiritual spring cleaning
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I have had similar struggles with this Lent, but not because I'm happy and fulfilled... I just lack motivation and my prayer-life stinks.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to remember to stay centered on my Prayer Buddy, which helps me because I feel a lot guiltier forgetting to pray for her than I do when I don't pray for myself.
I, too, am long overdue for confession. Too bad there's no blogging priest out there who could do blog confessionals! (Is that sacrilige? OK, now I'd really better get to confession, lol!)
As a fellow Catholic, I totally get the 'giving up' something for Lent. But sometimes, DOING something can be equally as hard and at the same time draw you closer to God.
ReplyDeleteI find that certain Lenten years I need to flip it and DO something. This year I'm going for a walk by myself every evening after I've gotten our kids to bed and I say the rosary on my walk. It eliminates distractions so I can focus on my prayers.
And I think God understands your heart right now. I imagine He's enjoying watching your endless joy with Clare.
Hey K, Grant and I say the Rosary together every day, maybe if R agrees to say it with you, it'll be easier to get it done.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post!!!
ReplyDeleteWe found out the sunday before ash wednesday that we were expecting, and I have not AT ALL been focused on lent. Haven't given anything up, haven't really done anything extra. Am not really motivated to pray more or attend mass daily like I used to.
But I have been trying to offer any worries, sufferings, etc up to the Lord to try to draw closer. Maybe your can use your lack of sleep and worry about Clara's health, etc, as an offering to God.
I will pray for you :)
I totally get what you are saying...When I started spiritual direction in may and in July I found out I was pregnant....I completely went from ferverant prayer to being mute over night. ;) hahahaha!
ReplyDeleteIf God lives inside of us we don't have to go far to find him... ;) So maybe just allowing him in your every day life of changing diapers and feeding bottles would give Him complete joy! ;) Obviously, forming that habit is hard to do....but it's interesting from what I'm learning....xxoo!
Hey K! I love it when you post.
ReplyDeleteI'm the same as TCIE -- slacking but for other reasons, until I kick myself and pray for my prayer buddy.
But your post made me think of something else too ...sometimes when I have a really "good" Lent, I get so excited about Easter, praise the Lord for a good few days, then commence eating and drinking everything I gave up for Lent and totally slacking off on my spiritual life. And then I think,"Wait a minute, wasn't Lent leading up to this? Why am I suddenly not present during Eastertide?" You've had five years of hard wilderness, like five years of Lent! And now you have Clara, your miracle! So I can understand the slacking off.
My priest says that the spiritual life is never flat -- we are like tires on a mountain and are either going uphill or down. I hate that I so often start rolling down hill.
Anyway, it's only half-way into Lent, so there is still time if you want to give up or take on something. I, personally, have been terrible about sticking to my Lenten disciplines, but have tried to be better about the food stuff this week. I like giving up certain foods or drinks because then whenever I crave them, I can use it as a prayer prompt. Maybe you could find something (not nec. food) that could be a prompt for prayers of praise for Clara? Or take *on* something? I like Mahoney Musings' ideas. I should do something like that!
Here's what I think--
ReplyDeleteYour life has totally changed, and your prayer life has to change to. Where you were able to spend much time before spending many moments throughout your day in prayer, your daily life is now about taking care of Clara. And so, I think your prayer might be less contemplative, and more in the doing... like as you're changing Clara's diaper you might think about Our Lady doing the same for her Son, and asking her to be with you and learn from her patience... and as you're feeding Clara you might pray that the Holy Spirit would continue to feed your soul... as you take a walk with Clara you might pray the rosary with her... or when you're in the car, you might commit to praying a Divine Mercy Chaplet as soon as you pull out of the driveway You might say grace as a family at meals and then read some scripture together or at least reflect on a verse of scripture for 5 minutes. And when Clara fusses you must first go to her. You can't pray as you used to, but this does not mean that your pray life can be any less fruitful. Your prayer is in the doing now. Once Clara's schedule becomes more predictable, you can get into a better routine.
I really like Danielle Bean's books about this.
Don't be hard on yourself... I have found that my prayer life struggles when life gets better, easier. It's strange, isn't it!
Thinking about you lots.... (this was more of a post than a comment!)
This has been a tough Lent to crack down, I totally agree.
ReplyDeleteBut more so than about Lent, I relate to you saying that you sighed a big sigh of relief and then had trouble getting back on track. That is the story of my life. For example, got pregnant, took a break from school to relax/not stress/enjoy. Miscarried. Cut myself some slack. Pregnant again. Repeat. Miscarried again. Repeat. You get the picture. Had Charlie-happy big sigh of relief. My life story is one of trouble staying on track-with school and diligence in prayer life! :( If you find the answer, let me know!
Wow, Shannon... you just blew me away!! You are going to be such an excellent wife and mother someday, I cannot wait!!
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post! I can totally relate -- I just don't feel committed this Lent. It's going by so quickly. I love Shannon's comment. That was so insightful, especially about prayers being in the doing and not just the words. I'm going to try and be more aware of that as I'm doing things with my son, and offering things up in a different sort of way.
ReplyDelete